Friday, Nov. 14, 2003 - 8:05 a.m.
I just called my brotherís cell phone and ended up talking to about five different relatives, all of who were completely wasted. Earlier today they had a memorial service for my grandpa, who died Monday. Then they all went to my parentsí house and drank, from the sound of it, half the alcohol in Tucson. It was awesome, but weird Ė my dad, my aunt, my cousin in film school, my momÖall slurring their words, laying on the lawn and dancing around the house, expressive and obnoxious in a way my family seldom is. Iím glad they did it, and I wish I were there. I cried to Russell about it a bit, but I hate bringing my own shit into the mess. I would have gone, but my mom and grandma told me not toÖtoo far, they said, too short a stay. But I do wish Iíd gone anyway. Ah, well. Everyone goes home tomorrow, and Iíll be there soon.
In my last entry I alluded to family memberS dyingÖmy grandpa died, yes, but then some veterinary malpractice led us to believe the family cat was going to be put to sleep today, just to enhance the already ultimately shitty week. However, Shadow is fine. She just has a bladder stone. My grandpa is not fine, and itís been a hard week, but talking to everyone this afternoon at the memorial and tonight in their drunkenness made it more okay. Now Iím just homesick. But in one month Iíll be home.
Iíve been floating through the week, thinking all the time about my mom and grandma, missing them and trying to imagine what theyíre feeling. Itís been hard, because I want to go home, but they urged me not to; my familyís guiding dictum is Above All, Make No Imposition. We live in fear of inconveniencing others. When my parents last visited me out here, they kept nervously asking whether I wanted to go hang out with my friends instead of them. Come on: no, I donít want to hang with anyone else; I havenít seen you in a year. If youíre going to be such wonderful parents and people, youíre going to have to put up with your children wanting to hang out with you. Iím afraid itís the same with my grandpa dyingÖthey would have been happy to have me, but they didnít want me to have to fly all the way out there, stay for only a day or two (though itís not like Iíve gotten anything done here). Unfortunately, I didnít tease this all apart until today. I tried to think systematically about whether to go, whether to defy their worried instructions and book a flight, but it never got anywhere, and then suddenly it was the day of the memorial. So I was here, and they were there. Oh well.
The next morning:
I feel good. Even from miles away, last night was cathartic for me, too.