Monday, Apr. 26, 2004 - 10:31 p.m. What I remember when my self esteem is low:
L asks �Why are you sad? Why don�t you like yourself today?� But it�s not like that. There�s no reason, or there�s every reason. It�s raining�I was feeling shy yesterday but we played a show and so I had to talk to a bunch of people�a friend very innocently mentioned that I�d been off-key on a few of the backing vocal parts�I drank too much Saturday�I will be unemployed in a week and a half. But those things don�t cause the ickiness. The ickiness just descends. It feeds on whatever it can find, but it is caused by nothing outside of me. It�s not cured externally, either: hearing nice things about myself or accomplishing something good never makes it go away. It just stays for a while and then dries up. If it�s depression, it�s a very mild and specific form: apart from some physical dejection it ever only manifests itself as bad self esteem. I just don�t like myself for a while, and then I do again. So that showed up today and murgled around all through a productive day at work, a walk in the rain, a really good quesadilla, an Edward Gorey book, and the ingenious system I rigged up to direct the water from my leaky ceiling into the kitchen sink. See? Whatever brain chemicals are responsible here have no idea what�s going on in the real world.
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