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Saturday, Nov. 01, 2003 - 3:48 p.m.

So my grandpa�s in the hospital, and he might be fine or he might not. I am far away, and it sucks. I�m sad about him, certainly, but even sadder about my mom � I hate knowing that she�s so upset. I just feel helpless. And I don�t think going out there would help at all, either�I�d just be one more thing for her to worry about. But I feel lame being here, too.

I talked to my mom this morning about my grandpa, our conversation ending with her crying. Then I talked to my dad about the weather and his field work. There�s no in-between to any of this. Either my grandpa lives and I see him at Christmas, or he dies and I don�t see him ever again. Either my mom is crying or my dad is telling me about the lemon tree they just bought.

L and I were invited to go out of town to our friends� annual oyster roast with their redneck family. I thought we should go, then decided I didn�t want to, and I had to call and disappoint L. It�s not like I�d be sobbing the whole time; it�s just that I don�t feel like talking to anyone, don�t feel like sitting in a car for an hour each way, don�t want to talk about my grandpa but don�t want to talk about guitars, either. I can make my cat happy by staying home, and I want to make somebody happy right now. That�s it, I guess: I wish I could be the perfect daughter right now so my mom could be proud of me and have something else to think about besides her father hurting. I wish I�d never stressed her out in any way, ever. I wish I could call and tell her I�d quit smoking, gotten a paper accepted to some conference, and was now an accomplished classical guitarist. I wish I could go home and take care of everything instead of be taken care of by her, but I have no idea how to make that happen.

I started thinking about a funeral, and how fucked up it would be. My mom and grandma are so organized and always know what to do. I�d want to take care of them, to not make them do any work or have to make decisions about stupid details, but my dad and brother and I are all so passive that it would be a disaster. We�re all used to letting them make the decisions, tell us what to do. God, it�s just like that short piece on This American Life last night � the passive father letting his wife die because she hadn�t told him to call 911. The rest of us can�t take care of my mom, now or ever.

So I have forty more papers to grade this weekend. It�s beautiful outside, but when I took a long walk I kept forgetting to enjoy it. It�s all so retarded, this situation. And it doesn�t exactly make me eloquent.

Grrrrr.

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