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Thursday, Aug. 04, 2005 - 1:07 p.m.

Lately on my daily walks around the neighborhood Iíve been imagining an assortment of violent yet heroic scenarios: what if I had to fight off a rapist? What if I punched someone who was abusing his dog? And, most recently, what if I saw a big dog attacking a child? That last oneís stayed with me for days. Itís incredibly unpleasant, but I canít get rid of it. What would be the best way to stop the dog? Iíd have the advantage of the dogís jaws being busy with the child, so if I took it by surprise I think I could get it in a headlock. This would be easier on breeds with necks Ė I donít know what Iíd do with a pit bull. Anyway, if I could run up really fast, body-check the dog, get it in a headlock, and keep my body weight on it, hopefully it would release the child and I could hold on until it passed out. What if it kept hanging on, though? What next? I think Iíd have to go for the eyes with my free hand. Gouge at its eyes. Or maybe I could get my keys out and stab it in the ribs. Iíve also heard that you can kill a dog by pulling its front legs apart really hard, so if I had to give up on the headlock I guess I would try that. Do you understand how disturbing this is, that I canít stop thinking on my placid evening walks about how to maim or kill a dog? I can hear its sternum cracking and feel its eyeballs with my thumbs. I donít want to hurt a dog.

In other, non-dog-hurting news, I think itís time for my band (the main one, not the recent cover band) to break up. We all know it. Weíve all known it for months now. I just donít want to give up hanging out with them every week. Practice this summer has been terribly slack. Weíll cancel for any reason, and we spend more than half our time at practice talking instead of playing. I donít like the way I play bass for them Ė never have, really, even though I like the way the band tries to sound. I donít have the proper ideas about rhythm and arrangements, and Iím not good enough to come up with those ideas. I want to play bum bum bum bum bum bum bum and sing whoa oh oh oh.

Iím tired of being in a band with L, too, because I donít want to be dependent on him like that. We should each be responsible for our own leisure activities. A bandís a funny, moody organism, and L has not been in the mood lately. Neither have I, not so much, but that should be my problem, not ours.

I will find a new band. I just have to let the old one down easy first. That means a few more shows, a few more songs, and a great deal of beer. It will be a fun breakup.

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