Thursday, Aug. 18, 2005 - 9:13 a.m.
I became an official employee this Monday. For the last year I was just a temp -- a well-paid temp loaded down with responsibility, yes, but a temp nonetheless. Now I've got insurance and such, but I've also got a sparkly new corporate shoelace tied around my brain. I don't like the way it feels. Being too secure makes me care a lot less about the job I'm doing.
Last night after band practice I finally said something to W about not being sure how long I could stay in the band. L and I have talked about it, of course, and K just kind of rolls with whatever happens, so I was only nervous about talking to W. Still, I expected he was just putting off the inevitable conversation -- I thought we all knew it was winding down. But he really seemed blindsided. He was upset. And I'm really upset now, too, because W is one of my close friends. I don't have many in this town. I feel responsible now for breaking up the band...me, the girl who shows up in town, joins the band, starts dating the guitarist, and then wrecks the band. Except this is all spread out over five years, and there's never been any drama. L doesn't have to leave when I do, but he's not exactly humming with creative energy right now. Still, I feel like it's on me.
What made W the saddest, I think, was my reason for leaving. It seemed like he would have been okay with me being too busy. But I just don't want to be in a band that sounds and plays like we do right now. I want to be in a band with a frontperson (instead of three part-time singers, none of us particularly magnetic). I want to play faster and louder. And I want to play out-of-town shows -- I love my bandmates, but I want to find people without kids, people who can go on mini-tours. I don't want to be in an old band before my time. Right now I get to spend every Wednesday with some of my favorite people in the world, but it's not enough to sustain a band.
L put it well last night: there are a lot of wonderful things about this band that don't add up to the right final product.
So I cried a bunch last night when I got home. It was good. I don't cry much these days.
I've got ideas already for the next band if I can find the right people. And there'll be a few more shows, possibly a recording session. But I'm worried it's never going to be quite the same between me and W.
Today it is wet and gray outside. It's welcome. I don't feel like waking up all the way yet. I want to sit at my work desk here and drink tea and stare blearily out the window.